Fun Stuff

Thursday, April 29, 2004

New Repetitive Strain Injury Exercise

Click Here if you struggle with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome...or if you want to! LOL!

Monday, April 26, 2004

Kitchen Signs

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, then this kitchen is delirious.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

My next house will have no kitchen-- just vending machines.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

And Your Occupation is. . .

A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation."Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer, and I didn't really have one handy, she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. What I mean is, "explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a .....?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like official Interrogator or Town Registrar. "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out.

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters)." "Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."Motherhood...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door.

Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your gas on me.... Not Funny

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you goober.

3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.... Stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

9. Dog Sweaters

10. The slight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for you on the top of the food chain.


The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

New Survivor Show

This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show

6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks - Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes - There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".

Computer Humor

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Quotes--By Women, For Women

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the heck happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

I think---therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-- if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem


If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt

You know you are living in the year 2004 when:

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

17. You wake up at 2AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

Midlife Crisis

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . .


I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. . . You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

Age Barometer

Count how many you remember...
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!

New Name


Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...

Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names..... Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:

a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your
NEW last name:

a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name, or, if your last name isn't 4 letters long, use the first letter of your last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Clinton's new name is Poopsie Liverchunks. Al Gore is Lumpy Burgertush.

Rules for Life

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a company car either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about the latest Survivor episode all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

You might be addicted to the internet if . . .

. . . your service provider calls *you* for tech support.

. . . someone at school/work tells you a joke and you say "LOL!" (Laughing Out Loud).

. . . three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.

. . . you come home from somewhere and wait for your friends to say "re."

. . . you get a second phone line, just so you can call to order pizza.

. . . you raise your hand in school and say "BRB" (Be Right Back).

. . . you begin to say hehehe instead of laughing.

. . . you know and regularly use more than 10 different ways to smile in ascii text. :)

. . . when someone says "What did you say?", you automatically say "scroll up!"

. . . you marry your cyber-girlfriend/boyfriend and the two of you sit across the room typing love messages to each other.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Random Thoughts

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Monday, April 19, 2004

Rocky Monday

** You ever have a Monday morning like this one? **

When the alarm clock sounds you realize you were born too long ago to get out of bed. You listen to the radio, hoping to hear that the universe came to an end last night and work is canceled. Someone has set the gravity in your bedroom to "overload." You do not feel like singing in the shower. Or soaping. The weary face staring back at you in the mirror looks familiar: Bob Dole.

You go to breakfast determined to eat a nutritious meal but find yourself wavering between cold pizza and chocolate cake. A note from your daughter contains a threat to sue you for back allowance. Your dog has chewed your dress shoes; you decide this doesn't really matter. The front door seems too far away to bother. You wonder if you can make your voice hoarse enough to call in sick. Your daughter shrieks that her parakeet has escaped again. This puts the cat in a festive mood.

The newspaper apparently was delivered by a confetti service, and you need a rake to gather it up. A cursory examination of today's headlines reveals that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.

The reason you get up this early is to beat the rush hour. It looks as though everyone else in your city had the same idea. You sit in a sea of red tail lights while the morning DJ advises you that every highway is gridlocked and you'll have to wait until they build a road to your location to be evacuated. He sounds pretty cheerful, up in that helicopter, and you regret your lack of surface-to-air missiles.

Your car's heater appears to be drooling and it sounds like your engine is trying to escape. You gaze out the window, another victim of road apathy. All around you, people are phoning, faxing, and e-mailing, more productive in their vehicles than you are in your office. They're probably communicating with each other--hey, look at that bozo in that beat-up car, he doesn't even have a phone! Tomorrow you'll bring your wood chipper and grind up some tree limbs as you cruise past; that'll show 'em.

You remember reading somewhere that the earth is pelted with over a thousand meteors a day. Once again, they've failed to hit your office building. Past or present employees of the month get to park in the covered lot. Everyone else in the company has won this award but you; the time you were the only person left on the ballot you were beaten by "undecided." The holes your dog left in your shoes allows the slush to wash in and bathe your toes.

The security guard doesn't recognize you and insists on doing a cavity search. The coffee tastes like they've found another application for petroleum by-products. There are free bagels this morning, but the only flavors left are "carp" and "oak."

Over the weekend they re-stacked the furniture to increase seating density. You now have a roommate in your cubicle. "Just call me crazy Lou," he introduces himself. He apologizes for the way he smells. He confides that he is surprised that they gave him a roommate after what he "did to the last one."

Your newest project is to re-write the translation of a German technical manual. It needs to be done this afternoon. The translation was completed by a new software program that your IT department admits "has a few bugs." You start to work on the first sentence.

"Your new Zlecko 90 has over two hundred potatoes which MUST be poured with sexual protuberances on the occasion of redressing the flimsy," it says. You ponder whether to tweak the wording or if this makes enough sense as it is. Lou is holding his fists to the side of his head and muttering, "Stop talking. Everyone stop TALKING."

Your e-mail tool flashes and you open it. Your boss congratulates you on the anniversary of your employment with the company and would like you to stop by for a chat. He requests that you pack up your things in a box, first. Lou looks startled when you stand up, complaining that you are leaving "just when things were going to get fun." He sets his ice pick down with an air of disappointment.

Your boss explains that under the recent corporate restructuring, you will be reporting to the third floor janitor. Your new job title is "Scum." It's about time you got promoted! The boss says that normally he would take you to lunch, but he can't stand to look at you. He offers you a carp bagel and asks that you eat it outside.

You step outdoors with the smokers to eat the bagel, but they point to a sign that says, "no bottom-feeding fish within 500 yards of this building." By the time you've trudged the 500 yards, you're up against another building with the same sign. Soon you're in the next county, where you throw the bagel in a dumpster. A man living in the dumpster throws it back.

Back at your office, you discover that you don't have your security card. You knock on the door, but the guard refuses to acknowledge your presence. After half an hour, you give up and get in your car to go home.

Only four more days of this until the weekend!

Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron

The Way Children See Things!

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the backseat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in he toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.! &nb! sp; The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Monday, April 12, 2004

A Pet Funny

A single guy who was very lonely decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Wendy's with me to have dinner?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to Wendy's with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Wendy's with me to have dinner?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!"

The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauté frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't freakin' think so."

New Virus

New Virus

Sadly reporting,

It seems that there is a new virus called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot kill.

So, be warned if you were born before 1958. Somehow, it appears to affect only those PC operators who were born before 1958.

Symptoms of C-nile Virus;

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back the message to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

You Might Be A Redneck - 2003 Edition

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
5. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
6. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
7. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
8. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
9. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
10. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
11. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
12. You have a rag for a gas cap.
13. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
14. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
15. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
16. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
17. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
20. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
21. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
22. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
23. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
24. You think fast food is hitting a squirrel at 65 mph.

It's no longer "Who's On First"

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 12.1 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'M being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

All The Dog Lovers In The World Will Get This...

To people who visit my home:

1. The dog lives don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog.

5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his.

6. I like him a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son, who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, doesn't speak clearly, and hates cats. I have no problem with any of these things.

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". "To kill my husband." "I'm sorry Ma'am, I can't sell you any for that reason." The woman then hands him a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the druggist's wife. He looks at the photo and says, "My apologies, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Old Age...

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . . . I know we've been friends for a long time . . . but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least two minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is,"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yelled back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful" and knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Estrogen, Pregnancy and Women

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.



10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

Unwritten in Genesis

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And man said "Yes!" and woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you hearty healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried shrimp and catfish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and piled on the pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them and added copious quantities of salt. And man put on more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Somebody said...

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
(Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.)

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
(Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.)

Somebody said being a mother is boring.
(Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.)

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good".
(Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.)

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
(Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.)

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
(Somebody doesn't have five children.)

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.
(Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.)

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
(Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.)

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
(Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.)

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
(Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.)

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
(Somebody never had grandchildren.)

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
(Somebody isn't a mother.)

Funny Quotes

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I find that a great way to deal with a crisis is to act like a deranged, headless chicken.

Character is what you are. . . reputation is what people think you are.

The force is like duct tape - it has a dark side, it has a light side and it binds the universe together!

Due to a lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

Teamwork. . . means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

It happens sometimes. . . people just explode…natural causes.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.

Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

Efficiency is the intelligent laziness.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

"Not a morning person" doesn't begin to cover it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why are you hear, and what can I do to change that?

If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Never bite the hand that feeds you. . . unless, of course, it's dipped in chocolate.

On the back of my credit card there is a number to call in case your card is lost or stolen. Thank God the company is smart enough to put that number on there, because if my card is ever lost or stolen, I'm really going to need that number. Of course, I'll probably also need the card with the number on it.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It said: "Insert disk 3. . . " but only 2 fit in the drive.

You have the right to free speech, as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others cause happiness whenever they go.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If you're going to shot a mime, it doesn't matter whether you use a silencer or not, because the bullet is going to ricochet off the walls of his invisible box anyway.

I am a computer. . . dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

There are two times I feel stress-day and night.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end~to~end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

All the world's a stage. . . most of us are just stagehands.

I wish life had an undo function.

Push to test. . . release to detonate.

Rap is to music as Etch A Sketch is to art.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.

Beware the fury of a patient woman.

Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.

Calm down - it's only ones and zeros.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Save time. . . see it my way.

We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever!

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.

This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing happened.

I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story.

Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good. . . on the average.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Husband Shopping Centre

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"

Shopping Cartless by Debbie Farmer

It was a personal triumph of sorts for me. I made it all they way through a big discount store, cartless. Ordinarily I set my standards for personal triumphs a bit higher than this, but it seems that whenever I innocently enter a store to buy, say, a bottle of glitter glue, I reappear several hours later the new owner of sixteen pairs of panty hose, a hibachi, three packs of double AA batteries, a gold lame purse, and salad tongs.

Oh, it's not like I do this on purpose. Afterwards, as I emerge in the parking lot squinting in the bright sunlight, I'm never quite sure what happened. So I cling to the hope that perhaps it isn't my fault. Maybe the smell of freshly popped popcorn had hypnotized me into buying a new exercise bike. Or maybe the musak version of "Strawberry Fields" had compelled me to hurl a flowered hat into my cart. Or maybe, just maybe, the lack of oxygen in the windowless building had deprived my brain into thinking I needed a set of pink blow-up chairs and a fluorescent lamp.

Whatever the reason, I wasn't really worried until the day my husband found out.

"Honey," he said waving the check book, "Why is there an entry for two hundred dollars in here? Did you make some kind of mistake?"

"Of course not," I say. " What do you take me for? I spent that on my trip for the dry erase markers."

"What about this one for fifty-seven dollars?" he asked.

"Scotch tape."

"A hundred and eight-two dollars and sixty cents?"

"One beach towel and a five-pound bag of puppy chow."

"But we don't have a dog!"

I could tell by the way he was yelling that he was a little upset. At first, I thought about telling him all about the popcorn and Beatle's music and all that, but I had a feeling he wouldn't understand. So I called my friend Julie instead.

"Oh, it happens to me all the time," she said. "All you need to do is to focus on the item you need, go straight to it, then immediately take it to the register without stopping. And for goshsakes," she hissed, "don't get a cart."

That was when the tide turned, so they say. The next time I went to the store I bypassed the carts, picked up a bottle of shampoo then headed towards the register. And I would've made it if, too, if it wasn't for a porcelain carafe that I saw out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed it with my free hand and kept walking.

Then I spotted an expresso maker that happened to be on sale. I held it in the crock of my elbow. Then I quickly stuffed a magazine under my left arm and wedged a pack of gum underneath my chin.

When I arrived at the register I piled my merchandise on to the counter and said loudly to the cashier, "just hand me the bags when you're through. I don't need a cart. No-sir-ee."

She nodded knowingly.

And I would've congratulated myself right then and there on being a savvy shopper, not manipulated into spending money by cheap marketing ploys - except my total came to ninety-seven dollars and thirty-two cents.

I blame it on the popcorn.

Things you don't want to hear during Surgery

~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.

~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

~ Darn, there go the lights again...

~ Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.

~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

~ What's this doing here?

~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

~ That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

~ Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

~ Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

~ Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

~ Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

~ What do you mean you want a divorce!

~ She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

~ FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Wednesday, April 07, 2004


Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron

Someone once asked me, "if you could be any person in the world, who would it be?" To which I responded without hesitation, "my eleven-year-old son."

My boy's life is one where the less pleasant elements of reality rarely intrude. His eyes unfocused, his mouth emitting sound effects, he drifts around in serene oblivion, almost never concerned about anything.

Last Saturday I interrupted his reverie and asked him to check to see if the mail had arrived. He responded agreeably enough, though it took several reminders before he actually was out the door. I went to the window to observe his progress. He made a strong start, striding purposefully toward the mailbox at the end of our driveway. Then something caught his eye and he stopped, frowning. He bent over and picked it up: a stick. It fit into his hand like a Colt pistol, and he swiveled, eyeing the trees for enemies. He spotted a couple and dove for cover, firing as he rolled. Airplanes swooped down and he switched to ground-to-air mode, jubilating when the missiles hit their targets. He spoke into his radio and did something to his forehead, probably putting on his night vision goggles. I lost sight of him as he snaked around the corner of the house.

Half an hour later he tromped in, exuberant over his military victory. I stopped him in the hallway. "Did you get the mail?"

He stared at me blankly, and I wondered whether he even knew who I was. "You were going out to get the mail," I reminded him.

His focus cleared. "Oh, yeah."

"Did you get it?"

His expression indicated he wasn't sure.

"Why don't you try again," I suggested.

Back out the door. I winced as he glanced at a tree branch, but he didn't appear tempted. His eyes acquired radar lock on the mailbox, and I sighed in relief.

Lying next to the mailbox was a football which had drifted there at the end of a neighborhood game a few weeks ago. He scooped the ball up in his arms and swerved, dodging tackles. Touchdown! I put my hands on my hips and watched him toss the ball into the air, calling for a fair catch. First down. He took the ball, fading back, out of the pocket and in trouble. I shook my head as I was treated to the spectacle of my son sacking himself for an eight-yard loss. He jumped up and shook his finger, urging his blockers to stop the blitz. They seemed to heed his admonitions*on the next play he rolled left and threw right, a fantastic pass which found him wide open thirty yards downfield. He trotted into the end zone and gave the crowd a mile-high salute.

When I checked back at half-time to see who was winning, mankind was on the brink. The football was jammed up inside his shirt, and he was struggling forward on his knees, looking like a soldier crawling through the desert. He had pulled the lawn mower out of the garage, and as he fell toward it, gasping, he pulled the sacred pigskin from his shirt and, with the last reserves of his strength, touched it to the engine. He died, but civilization was saved by his heroic efforts.

No word on whether, with this triumph, mail would be delivered.

I met him at the door, pierced through his fog, and asked him to get the mail. He agreed in such as fashion as to indicate this was the first he'd heard of the subject. There was a skip in his step as he headed down he driveway, and he was making so much progress so quickly I felt my hopes growing, particularly when he reached out and actually touched the mailbox.

Alas, he was only stopping to talk to it. Conferring in low tones, he nodded, squinting into the distance. He raised the mail flag, igniting the retrorockets strapped to his back. He throttled to full power and then dropped the flag, firing off into space with his arms outstretched like Superman.

He was nowhere in sight when, half an hour later, I went out to get the mail.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

I Wish I Were A Bear

I wish I was a bear. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing: before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself silly. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.

I wish I were a bear!

Strange Old Lady

A very weird thing happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in...............I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was. She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look in a mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is to offer to pay rent......But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough. In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it. And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff--ice cream, cookies, candy--I just can't keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scales so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too. For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She also gets into my closet when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day.

Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers on my desk. I can't find a thing any more. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized; but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before me--and blurs all the print; and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio, and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive. As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me wherever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit--which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me. I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter clicked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? no customs official is going to beleive that old crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

( that strange old lady is on 'her' puter too!)

What's a body to do?

Monday, April 05, 2004

Mom's Brownies

~Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
~Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
~Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no."
~Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
~Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
~Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
~Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
~Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
~Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
~Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
~Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
~Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
~Let cat out of refrigerator.
~Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
~Bake 25 minutes.
~Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
~Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away- far away.
~Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. ~Put Jr. in playpen.
~Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
~Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
~Tie Billy to clothesline.
~Remove burned brownies from oven.

Is it good or bad?

THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

At an office:

"This job is only a test
had it been an actual job,
you would have received
raises, bonuses and promotions."

Martha Stewart vs. Erma Bombeck


Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.

I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.

Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.


Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains.

I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth.

Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.

Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

The Shape Women Are In

Did you know.... If shop mannequins were real women, THEY'D BE TOO THIN TO MENSTRUATE.

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 WHO DO.

Marilyn Monroe wore a SIZE 12.

If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12 and 14.

One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.

The models in the magazines are airbrushed-THEY'RE NOT PERFECT!!

A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

Models who twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today weigh 23% less.

Rules for Dogs

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark-- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

Because I'm a guy...

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

...when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Cosmo" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

...when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

...I do NOT want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's day is okay. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

You might be from Michigan if. . . .

you have been sunburned and frostbitten in the same week

you point to a spot on your right hand telling people where you're from

you bake with soda and drink pop

your family breaks into violence during the MSU/U-M game

you define summer as three months of bad sledding

you go "up north" on the weekends

you don't have coughing fits after one sip of Vernors

you eat white castle burgers even though you know better

you visit Florida and are frustrated because the newspapers there don't report the hockey scores

you can explain the difference between yoopers, trolls, and fudgies

you find yourself driving through at least one new construction zone each day

you dream about earning money by inventing a pot hole detector

you make sure you never run out of sinus medication

You head for the tall timbers if the next rest stop is too far

you know the difference between a ferry and a fairy

Hotel Soap

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid


Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty


Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper


Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath- room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper


Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? And why? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper


Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess: On shelf under medicine cabinet 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On bedroom dresser 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish 6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On northwest corner of tub 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman