The Many Faces of Mom by Debbie Farmer

When I became pregnant, I vowed the most important thing I could do for my family was to be consistent.

Two children later, my moods swing faster than a tennis ball at Wimbledon, my children are saving their allowance for exorcism and my husband calls me Sybil under his breath. Although he says he will never really understand me, I have finally convinced him that six moms are better than one, especially if one actually cooks.

In the morning I am Bright, Perky, Energetic Mom. "Good morning children!" I cry, flinging open the mini-blinds. "Are you ready for your breakfast of Eggs Benedict with cream, home-cured butter, and fresh baked bread right out of the oven?"

"What's today?" my preschooler asks, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

"It's Thursday!" I chirp. "The fifth day of the week in the Western calendar originally called by the Greeks 'the day of Thor.' Now get up so we can begin our day of educational adventures to stimulate your growing minds."

My children just stare. Perky Mom lasts until Efficient Mom arrives at 10:30.

"Okay kids!" I shout. "Enough arts and crafts! I will start three loads of laundry, scrub the bathroom and dust your room. Then we will leave for the park at 11:36, feed three ducks, two geese and eat our lunches on a bench at noon."

My children stare. Efficient Mom is replaced by Tired Mom at 1:00 p.m.

"What day is it again, Mom?" my preschooler asks.

"I dunno."

"Where's Baby Ben?"

"Who?"

"Why is drool dripping down the side of your chin?"

"I dunno."

Reality Mom arrives during naptime. "So what," I think, "if the wash isn't dry, the only thing clean in the bathroom is soap, and the only thing dusted is the screen on the television so we can see the picture. We're all dressed, fed, wearing clean underwear and don't smell."

Frantic Mom arrives half an hour before dinner. My children look as if they've been run over by a steamroller.

"Back off, kids!" I screech, throwing a bag of frozen peas in the microwave as the buzzer on the dryer rings and Baby Ben howls for milk. "These hands are registered weapons!" I exclaim while karate-chopping the lettuce for salad and drop-kicking the oven door closed. "What do you want from me!" I shriek. "Go back to the television. The macaroni and cheese will be done in a minute!"

My children just stare. My favorite mom is Loving Mom who arrives at bedtime.

"Aren't they sweet?" I coo stroking their hair as they sleep. "I just can't see how you men can work all day and miss out on all of this." I slowly shake my head at my husband. "I just don't understand you at all."

My husband just smiles.

10 ways to know if you have PMS.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

The Cat & Dog Years

I just realized that while children are like dogs - loyal and affectionate teenagers are like cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

Things You'd Love To Say At Work, But Can't

And your whiny, irrelevant, cry-baby opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The Funeral

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed immediately be a second hearse. Behind the second hearse was a man dressed in mourning black, walking a Pit Bull. Most curiously, behind the man and his dog were nearly 200 men following in single file.

The on-looker was overcome by curiosity. Respectfully, he approached the man and his dog: "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife. My dog attacked and killed her."

"Who is in the second hearse?" asked the curious man. "My mother-in-law." he replied. "She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

After a short moment of silence, the curious man turned and said, "Can I borrow the dog?" The gentleman replied, "Get in line!"