Knock Knock....

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

Lawyer Jokes

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.

They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control?

His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wing tips.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

What do you have when you've got 50 lawyers buried in sand up to their chins?

Not enough sand.

The President and The Pope

The Pope is visiting Washington DC. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac river. Sailing on the Presidential Yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head, and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht, onto the surface of the water, and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat. He bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope, amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the liberal newspapers all carry the story, with front page photos of the event.

The banner headline is:

"Bush Can't Swim."

The Magic of Botox

This completely cracked me up! (Click on the picture)

Enjoy!

If Architects Had To Work Like Web Designers...

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet.

However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case..

Good News...Bad News...

Airline pilot to passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and bad news.

The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board.

The good news is, he wants to go to the French Riviera."

One Liner...

I stopped taking tranquilizers... I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

Things I Learned it from Legos

1. Size doesn't matter. When stepped on in the dark, a 2X2 LEGO brick causes the same amount of pain as a 2X8 brick.

2. All LEGO men are created equal (1.5625 inches tall). What they become is limited only by imagination.

3. There is strength in numbers. When the bricks stick together, great things can be accomplished.

4. Playtime is important. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you are building, as long as you're having fun.

5. Disaster happens, but the pieces can be put back together again.

6. Every brick has a purpose. Some are made for a specific spot - most can adapt almost anywhere - but every single one will fit somewhere.

7. Color doesn't matter. A blue brick will fit in the same space as a red brick.

8. No one is indispensable. If one brick is unavailable, another can take its place.

9. It doesn't always turn out as planned. Sometimes it turns out better. If it doesn't........ you can always try again!

The Blind Man

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.

One, the bartender is a blonde girl.

Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl.

Three, I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

And five, the lady to your right is a blonde and she is a professional wrestler.

"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Prison Or Work?

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with mean wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK !!

Phone Home...

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.

As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but it certainly sounds like I have the right number."

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pa m: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, Pam looks at Carol and asks herr, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol answered, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

Kids!

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her husband has been told that after the shaking stops she can probably report back to work in a few days.

Cowboy Story

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy."You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.........

Now give me back my dog."

Aging Funnies

GAMES FOR THE SENIOR SET:

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.



SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.



OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.