Funny Quotes

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I find that a great way to deal with a crisis is to act like a deranged, headless chicken.

Character is what you are. . . reputation is what people think you are.

The force is like duct tape - it has a dark side, it has a light side and it binds the universe together!

Due to a lack of interest, today has been cancelled.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

Teamwork. . . means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

It happens sometimes. . . people just explode…natural causes.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.

Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

Efficiency is the intelligent laziness.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

"Not a morning person" doesn't begin to cover it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why are you hear, and what can I do to change that?

If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Never bite the hand that feeds you. . . unless, of course, it's dipped in chocolate.

On the back of my credit card there is a number to call in case your card is lost or stolen. Thank God the company is smart enough to put that number on there, because if my card is ever lost or stolen, I'm really going to need that number. Of course, I'll probably also need the card with the number on it.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

It said: "Insert disk 3. . . " but only 2 fit in the drive.

You have the right to free speech, as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others cause happiness whenever they go.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If you're going to shot a mime, it doesn't matter whether you use a silencer or not, because the bullet is going to ricochet off the walls of his invisible box anyway.

I am a computer. . . dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

There are two times I feel stress-day and night.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end~to~end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

All the world's a stage. . . most of us are just stagehands.

I wish life had an undo function.

Push to test. . . release to detonate.

Rap is to music as Etch A Sketch is to art.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat.

Beware the fury of a patient woman.

Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.

Calm down - it's only ones and zeros.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Save time. . . see it my way.

We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever!

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.

This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing happened.

I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story.

Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good. . . on the average.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?