Ah...Michigan...

It's winter in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
And at 52 below !

Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose freezes shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Michigan
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist...









...It took three days to clean up the senior center.

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THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN HANGING THE LIGHTS (even though it may be too late)

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

As a service to our dear readers, we rush to print with an emergency list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

~ "You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

~ "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

~ "What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

~ "Give me that."

~ "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

~ "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

~ "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a perfect spiral this year?"

~ "Have you been drinking?"

~ "Where's the cat?"

~ "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."