THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN HANGING THE LIGHTS (even though it may be too late)

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

As a service to our dear readers, we rush to print with an emergency list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

~ "You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

~ "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

~ "What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

~ "Give me that."

~ "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

~ "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

~ "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a perfect spiral this year?"

~ "Have you been drinking?"

~ "Where's the cat?"

~ "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."