Birth of a Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically.

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Gross!" they shrieked.

"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.

"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it."

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..."

"Excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..." she gasped.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed.

Copyright 1999 www.wbrucecameron.com

KINDS OF COMPUTER SPOUSES

Email Spouses:Of every ten things they say, nine are nonsense.

 

Hard Disk Spouse:Remembers everything.  FOREVER.

 

Internet Spouses:Difficult to access.

 

Multimedia Spouses:Make horrible things look beautiful.

 

RAM Spouses:Forgets about you the moment you turn them off.

 

Screensaver Spouses:Good for nothing, but lots of fun!

 

Server Spouses:Always busy when you need them.

 

Windows Spouses:Everyone knows that they can't do a thing right,but no one can live without them.

Hole in One

A certain preacher awoke to perfect golfing weather one Sunday morning. It had been either cold, raining, or too windy for a couple of months and, as he thought it over, the temptation was just too great. He called up one of his deacons and told him, "You all are going to have to cover for me today. I have to go out of town on urgent business."

He felt a little bit guilty as he drove to another town, but the birds were singing, the sun was shining, the sky was bright blue, there was no wind at all, and the temperature was just perfect, so he found ways to justify his absence "just this once."

As he stepped up to the first tee, St. Peter said to the Lord, "Look. Isn't that one of your men on that golf course? And on a Sunday?"

The Lord said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of him."

The preacher hit a perfect drive, in fact the best he'd ever hit in his life. It soared about 250 yards, bounced twice, hit the green, and rolled right into the cup! St. Peter looked at the Lord, but he didn't say anything.

The preacher was ecstatic as he quickly teed up for the second hole, where his shot was just as good. He'd made another hole in one -- the second one in his life!

At that St. Peter turned to the Lord, "I thought you said you would take care of him," he demanded.

"I did," answered the Lord. "Who's he going to tell?"

Cheap Parking

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."  The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe-keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check, got up, and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you're a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY (January-June 2004)

~ A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

~ A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

~ A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.

~ Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

~ All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. (Or humor e-mail lists...) ~ Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.

~ Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

~ Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

~ Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

~ Can you cry under water?

~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...

~ Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo."

~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.

~ Do you know the best way to heal dry, chapped lips? Stop moving them.

~ Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

~ Don't argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

~ Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

~ Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write "911"!

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

~ Football: A game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise sit and watch.

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

~ Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, and a lifetime commitment for a pig.

~ How about never? Is never good for you?

~ How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

~ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

~ I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

~ I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

~ I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.

~ I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

~ I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

~ I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

~ If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically He Wants Attention," I would quit my job and work for his campaign.

~ If an optimist fell from a ten-story building, would he yell out to his friends, "All right so far" as he passed each floor?

~ If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?

~ If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

~ If it weren't for stress, I'd have no energy at all.

~ If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why DOES he keep doing it?

~ If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

~ If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

~ If you're going through hell, keep going.

~ If you're not living life on the edge, you're just taking up space!

~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

~ Instead of putting their pictures up in the Post Office, why don't they just put pictures of criminals on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

~ Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

~ It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

~ I've gotten that dreaded Furniture Disease: Your chest is falling into your drawers.

~ Jesus paid the price for you. You get to keep the change.

~ Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

~ Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

~ Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

~ Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

~ My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

~ My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

~ My money says that the guy who wrote "I Believe I Can Fly" has never actually tried it.

~ My mother is a travel agent for guilt trip.

~ Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

~ No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

~ On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.

~ Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

~ "One size fits all" items will never fit you.

~ Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

~ Q: What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move? A: The temperature.

~ Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

~ Success consists of getting up just one more time than you've fallen down.

~ Success is more attitude than aptitude.

~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.

~ The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede you're wearing (and you should be ashamed if you are!).

~ The early bird still has to eat worms.

~ The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

~ The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

~ The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.

~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~ The new improved model always appears on the market just after you've bought the old model.

~ The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

~ The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

~ The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

~ The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items.

~ The shortest line is always the longest.

~ The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

~ The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

~ The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

~ To err is human, to moo bovine.

~ To make a long story short, don't tell it.

~ To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

~ Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

~ Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

~ Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

~ Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

~ Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

~ Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

~ Words are windows to the heart.

~ "Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department. We found your rubber band."

~ You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

~ You can tell how big people are by what it takes to discourage them.

~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

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UNDERSTANDING THE MALE ANIMAL ( A public service post)

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

Theme Park

One of the most endearing traits of children is their utter trust that their parents will provide them with all of life's necessities, meaning food, shelter, and a weekend at a theme park.

A theme park is a sort of ARTIFICIAL vacation, a place where you can enjoy all your favorite pastimes at once, such as motion sickness and heat exhaustion.

Adult tolerance for theme parks peaks at about an hour, which is how long it takes to walk from the parking lot to the front gate. You fork over an obscene amount of money to gain entrance to a theme park, though it costs nothing to leave (which is odd, because once you've been inside the walls for a while, you'd pay anything to escape).

The two main activities in a theme park are (a) standing in line, and (b) sweating. The sun reflects off the concrete with a fiendish lack of mercy--you're about to learn the boiling point of tennis shoes. Your hair is sunburned, and when a small child in front of you gestures with her hand she smacks you in the face with her cotton candy; now it feels like your cheeks are covered with carnivorous sand.

The ride your children have selected for you is a corkscrewing, stomach-compressing roller coaster built by the same folks who manufactured the baggage delivery system at the Denver International Airport. Apparently the theme of this particular park is "Nausea." You sit down and are strapped in so tightly you can feel your shoulders grinding against your pelvis.

Once the ride begins you are thrown about with such violence it reminds you of your teenager's driving. When the ride is over your children want to get something to eat, but first the ride attendants have to pry your fingers off of the safety bar. "Open your eyes, please, sir," they keep shouting.

They finally convince you to let go, though it seems a bit discourteous of them to have used pepper spray. Staggering, you follow your children to the Hot Dog Palace for some breakfast.

Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called "meat by-products." When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed--having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to see it again.

With the exception of that first pummeling, you manage to stay off the rides all day, explaining to your children that it isn't good for you when your internal organs are forcibly rearranged. Now, though, they coax you back in line, promising a ride that doesn't twist, doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull--it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal.

What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down. You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now.

And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free fall. You must be moving faster than the speed of sound because when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your life passes before your eyes, and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this hellish place.

Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off. "Wasn't that fun, dad?" your kids ask. "Why are you kissing the ground?"

At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to fear.)

Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/