MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY (January-June 2004)

~ A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

~ A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

~ A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.

~ Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

~ All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. (Or humor e-mail lists...) ~ Animal testing is a bad idea - they get nervous and give the wrong answers.

~ Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

~ Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

~ Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

~ Can you cry under water?

~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...

~ Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo."

~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.

~ Do you know the best way to heal dry, chapped lips? Stop moving them.

~ Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

~ Don't argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

~ Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

~ Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write "911"!

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

~ Football: A game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise sit and watch.

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

~ Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, and a lifetime commitment for a pig.

~ How about never? Is never good for you?

~ How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

~ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

~ I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

~ I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

~ I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.

~ I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

~ I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

~ I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

~ If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically He Wants Attention," I would quit my job and work for his campaign.

~ If an optimist fell from a ten-story building, would he yell out to his friends, "All right so far" as he passed each floor?

~ If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?

~ If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

~ If it weren't for stress, I'd have no energy at all.

~ If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why DOES he keep doing it?

~ If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

~ If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

~ If you're going through hell, keep going.

~ If you're not living life on the edge, you're just taking up space!

~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

~ Instead of putting their pictures up in the Post Office, why don't they just put pictures of criminals on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

~ Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

~ It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

~ I've gotten that dreaded Furniture Disease: Your chest is falling into your drawers.

~ Jesus paid the price for you. You get to keep the change.

~ Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

~ Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

~ Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

~ Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

~ My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

~ My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

~ My money says that the guy who wrote "I Believe I Can Fly" has never actually tried it.

~ My mother is a travel agent for guilt trip.

~ Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

~ No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

~ On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.

~ Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

~ "One size fits all" items will never fit you.

~ Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

~ Q: What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move? A: The temperature.

~ Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

~ Success consists of getting up just one more time than you've fallen down.

~ Success is more attitude than aptitude.

~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.

~ The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede you're wearing (and you should be ashamed if you are!).

~ The early bird still has to eat worms.

~ The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

~ The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

~ The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.

~ The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~ The new improved model always appears on the market just after you've bought the old model.

~ The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

~ The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

~ The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

~ The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items.

~ The shortest line is always the longest.

~ The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

~ The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

~ The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

~ To err is human, to moo bovine.

~ To make a long story short, don't tell it.

~ To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

~ Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

~ Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

~ Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

~ Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

~ Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

~ Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

~ Words are windows to the heart.

~ "Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department. We found your rubber band."

~ You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

~ You can tell how big people are by what it takes to discourage them.

~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

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