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God Speaks Billboards...

Fun Dog Pictures

Click to enlarge--great for a desktop wallpaper!

How to weigh yourself

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2005 WHEN ...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Idiots Among Us

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

These Are Great!

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

LOTR Animation

MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY ~ July-December 2004

~ A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious!
~ A termite walks into the bar and says, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
~ Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
~ Airline pilot after a particularly rough landing: "Sorry, folks. That wasn't the pilot's fault...it wasn't the airplane's fault...that was asphalt!"
~ Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
~ Are you God's child? Is there a family resemblance?
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey.
~ Attitude is the difference between ordeal and adventure Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
~ Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em; He'll clean 'em.
~ Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
~ Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
~ Can you cry under water?
~ Carpenter's rule: Cut to fit. Beat into place.
~ Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
~ Despair is presumptuous.
~ Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn't believe in dogs.
~ Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old men & women running around with tattoos? (ack) ~ Dog Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs - you must be wonderful!"; Cat Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs - I must be wonderful!"
~ Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.
~ Don't let your mind wander ... anything that small should not be out alone.
~ Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
~ Each of us is a mixture of dust and deity.
~ God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
~ How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
~ How far can a dog run into the forest? Half way, then he would be running out.
~ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
~ I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
~ I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
~ I have never heard of a tombstone that said, "I wish I would have worked more."
~ I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift" -- but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.
~ I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
~ I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you *don't* want to move there.
~ If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
~ If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
~ If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
~ If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
~ If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
~ If you can't be kind, at least have the decency be vague.
~ If you choked a Smurf, what color would he turn?
~ If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
~ If you're not living life on the edge, you're just taking up space!
~ I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
~ I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
~ It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
~ I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
~ Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change.
~ Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, you looketh tired.
~ Let wonder replace worry.
~ Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
~ Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
~ Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
~ Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're gonna like it.
~ No, my powers can only be used for good.
~ One who lacks courage to start has already finished.
~ Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
~ 'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing.
~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
~ Save our planet...it's the only one with chocolate!
~ Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
~ Somebody has to like me; it might as well be me.
~ Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
~ Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
~ Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
~ Success is more attitude than aptitude.
~ Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
~ The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
~ The grace of God is the mending glue for broken hearts.
~ The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it, never knows that he's using it. What is it? A coffin.
~ The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
~ The trouble with life is there's no background music.
~ The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
~ There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who need closure ~ There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
~ Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
~ To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I am getting.
~ Triumph is just umph added to try. SEMPER FI!!!
~ Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
~ Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
~ We do precision guesswork.
~ What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
~ What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
~ What do fish play on the piano? Scales.
~ What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia ~ What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.
~ What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it? An anchor.
~ What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
~ What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.
~ What is the biggest ant? An elephANT.
~ What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
~ What is three feet long? A yard.
~ What won't break if you throw off the highest building in the world, but will break if you place it in the ocean? A tissue.
~ What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing? Nothing.
~ What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
~ What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
~ When's the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago. When's the second-best time? Today.
~ Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
~ Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
~ Woman to stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am, they're dead"
~ Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
~ Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? (Tom's redux: Turn to the One in Ctrl; Alt (alter) the "mess up" by asking forgiveness of the One, and the one we hurt; Our mistake is "deleted" (forgiven) and we are free to go forth in Love.) ~ You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
~ You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
~ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
~ You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
~ You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time."
~ You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
~ You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
~ Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.

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'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER NEW YEAR'

'Twas the month after New Year's, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One-question IQ Test...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.


Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...



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He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong......you should not tell anyone.

How is she?

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records....... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

Christian Dating

TOP TEN CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES

10. "I just don't feel called to celibacy."

9. "Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?"

8. "I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith."

7. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?"

6. "You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa." (DO NOT get this confused!)

5. "You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism."

4. "I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date."

3. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."

2. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."

1. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

TOP 10 LINES CHRISTIAN WOMEN USE TO BREAK-UP

10. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual."

9. "I'm sorry, it's just not God's will."

8. "I feel called to the ministry...very soon and very far from you as soon as possible."

7. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a phlegmatic."

6. "God loves me and must have a better plan for my life."

5. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother."

4. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together."

3. "You need someone with lower standards."

2. "I think we should just be prayer partners."

1. "I do love you, but it's just agape now."

The Cost of Being . . . Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?", Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

A Poem for Computer Users Over 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
And paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was a flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Dog and Cat Tricks

I own two cats and a dog, which I calculate gives me about two and a half pet brains to deal with.

In point of fact, I don't "own" these animals at all. I pay for their food and their vet bills, I clean out litter boxes and feed them and bathe the dog when she has rolled in road kill, but the pets actually belong to my children.

The cats are complex animals who have worked out sophisticated social rules between them, and who pad silently through the house in a never-ending game of Stalk-and-Pounce. The dog knocks over lamps and barks for hours at the ceiling fan. The cats are usually disappointed to see me, feeling their existence would be vastly improved if some fatal mishap would befall me so they could cash in on my life insurance. The dog loves me so heartily that she bounds over to lick my face in wet greeting even when she's only been out of sight for the few moments it took her to drink out of the toilet.

The cats disdainfully inspect the food we put out for them and seem disgusted when it isn't tuna or caviar. The dog eats my shoes.

I have been unable to train the cats to do anything, unless "ignore on command" could be considered a good trick. All I ever wanted them to learn was to stop streaking out the door when it opens, or, once outside, to come when called instead of fleeing out into the neighborhood and forcing the entire family to embark on a cat hunt. When it comes to the dog, I've tried to train it to do all the standard things, like "Sit," "Stay," "Speak," and "Go Outside and Retrieve the Cat." Of these, only "Speak" seems to have taken hold in its puny brain. Now I am trying to teach it "Shut Up." Whenever I try to command it to sit, holding out a morsel of food as bribe, the dog's butt is on the carpet for less than a second before it is barking, leaping to sniff my hands, turning excited circles, and drooling.

So it is with a certain amount of amazement that I've recently observed that the cats have decided, on their own, to take on the task of training the dog.

After my children have fled the dinner table (I am working on training them in the "Clear the Dishes" trick, but they prefer the "It's Not My Job It Is Someone Else's Turn" trick) the cats will leap up and sniff at the remains of the meal, disgusted that human beings can possibly eat anything less expensive than cat food. Then they stare over at the dog, who walks up to the table and sits down like a military K-9--back rigid, head alert, and SILENT. The cats inspect this performance, and, if they deem it worthy, bat down something from one of the plates, a crumb which my dog snatches out of the air like a short stop snagging a line drive. The canine instantly returns to parade rest, and the trick is repeated a few times.

Then the cats glance at each other, a certain smugness in their expression, like skating coaches who have seen their protege finally execute that triple axel. The dog watches, sensing what is coming. The cats nod and the canine rises in a motion I have never even attempted to teach her, a perfect "Sit Up," with paws held motionless in the air in front of her face.

The cats have taught the dog to pray to them.

With feline patience, they make the dog remain frozen in position for at least ten seconds before snaking a paw out and pitching another morsel into the canine's mouth.

That's the end of the dog show, for now. The cats jump down and the dog returns to normal, literally shaking herself out of the spell and coming over to see whether slobbering on me will entice me to feed her.

Next time the dog chews up one of my shoes, I'm not going bother to punish her.

I'm just going to tell the cats about it.


copyright 2005 W. Bruce Cameron

Quick Thinking...

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.

"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."

"Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"

Thoughts on Aging

In April, Dr. Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah (on her show) for Dr. Angelou's 74th birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day... like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first, she said. The audience laughed so hard they cried.

Dr. Angelou also said: "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Please send this to five phenomenal women today. If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem.

If you don't...the elastic will break and your panties will fall down around your ankles.