MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY ~ July-December 2004

~ A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious!
~ A termite walks into the bar and says, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
~ Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
~ Airline pilot after a particularly rough landing: "Sorry, folks. That wasn't the pilot's fault...it wasn't the airplane's fault...that was asphalt!"
~ Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
~ Are you God's child? Is there a family resemblance?
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey.
~ Attitude is the difference between ordeal and adventure Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
~ Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em; He'll clean 'em.
~ Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
~ Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
~ Can you cry under water?
~ Carpenter's rule: Cut to fit. Beat into place.
~ Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
~ Despair is presumptuous.
~ Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn't believe in dogs.
~ Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old men & women running around with tattoos? (ack) ~ Dog Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs - you must be wonderful!"; Cat Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs - I must be wonderful!"
~ Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.
~ Don't let your mind wander ... anything that small should not be out alone.
~ Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
~ Each of us is a mixture of dust and deity.
~ God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
~ How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
~ How far can a dog run into the forest? Half way, then he would be running out.
~ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
~ I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
~ I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
~ I have never heard of a tombstone that said, "I wish I would have worked more."
~ I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift" -- but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.
~ I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
~ I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you *don't* want to move there.
~ If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
~ If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
~ If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
~ If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
~ If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
~ If you can't be kind, at least have the decency be vague.
~ If you choked a Smurf, what color would he turn?
~ If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
~ If you're not living life on the edge, you're just taking up space!
~ I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
~ I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
~ In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
~ It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
~ I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
~ Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change.
~ Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, you looketh tired.
~ Let wonder replace worry.
~ Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
~ Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
~ Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
~ Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're gonna like it.
~ No, my powers can only be used for good.
~ One who lacks courage to start has already finished.
~ Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
~ 'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing.
~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
~ Save our planet...it's the only one with chocolate!
~ Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
~ Somebody has to like me; it might as well be me.
~ Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
~ Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
~ Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
~ Success is more attitude than aptitude.
~ Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
~ The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
~ The grace of God is the mending glue for broken hearts.
~ The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it, never knows that he's using it. What is it? A coffin.
~ The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
~ The trouble with life is there's no background music.
~ The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
~ There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who need closure ~ There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
~ Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
~ To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I am getting.
~ Triumph is just umph added to try. SEMPER FI!!!
~ Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
~ Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
~ We do precision guesswork.
~ What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
~ What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
~ What do fish play on the piano? Scales.
~ What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia ~ What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.
~ What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it? An anchor.
~ What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!
~ What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.
~ What is the biggest ant? An elephANT.
~ What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
~ What is three feet long? A yard.
~ What won't break if you throw off the highest building in the world, but will break if you place it in the ocean? A tissue.
~ What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing? Nothing.
~ What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
~ What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
~ When's the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago. When's the second-best time? Today.
~ Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
~ Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
~ Woman to stock boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am, they're dead"
~ Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
~ Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? (Tom's redux: Turn to the One in Ctrl; Alt (alter) the "mess up" by asking forgiveness of the One, and the one we hurt; Our mistake is "deleted" (forgiven) and we are free to go forth in Love.) ~ You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
~ You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
~ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something.
~ You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
~ You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time."
~ You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
~ You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
~ Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.

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