Baby Queen

This is hysterical! *Click on Picture* (Warning: Sound)






Thanks to Busy Mom

Mmmmm...Chocolate!

Chocolate, the 5th food group:

Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

I totally agree!

Hmmm.....

Police Department Answering Machine

This is a riot!

Make Your Own Art

This is very cool -- give it a try!

You might be a public school teacher if--

1. You want to slug the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

2. You believe "unbelievably annoying" should have its own box in the report card.

3. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

4. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

5. You reflect that marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.

6. You think people should be required to spend two years teaching middle school before being allowed to reproduce.

7. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

8. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into homeschooling.

9. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

10. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

Our Dog...

The Comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's material so much, they've reached the point where they don't need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other - they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

"Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it's the third comic's turn. "44!" he quips.

He gets nothing.

Crickets.

"What?" he asks, "Isn't 44 funny?"

"Sure, it's usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it..."


[Thanks to Melissa for this one!]

Very cool!

You've got to try this! The Baby Name Wizard's NameVoyager

PMS Warning System

Click for the presentation--Be Prepared!

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE...

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly...
7. Feel better? Works for me!

Man of the House

A man had just finished reading his book "Man Of The House" while making his commute home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The Funeral Director is my guess."

Woman's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Success

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Still Single????

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Longevity

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

TOP 10 REASONS TO CELEBRATE GROUNDHOG DAY

10. It's on nearly every calendar.
9. Helps relieve cabin fever.
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows."
3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney."
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

Happy Groundhog Day to one and all!
Click here for a special greeting and fun little game!