Handy Cleaning Tips

Dirt
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean

Not So Famous Quotes

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

Hallmark's Dysfunctional Greeting Cards

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday!
(Inside card)Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)

Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband

Technology for Country Folk

And you though Bill Gates had power...

Sean Gleeson - Google to index all human souls

A Tribute

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

The Cruise Ship "Freedom"

Good Morning all - Welcome aboard this cruise ship "FREEDOM"

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush were to be re-elected President.

With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her wife, Ed Asner, Janeane Garafalo, Whoppi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner(apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Pierre Salinger, as well as the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay... at least four more years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any. Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Grey Davis, Purser, Terry Heinz Kerry hopefully will be kept somewhere below decks away from the media.

Monica Lewinsky as the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl", Entertainment by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, John Kerry will be our Life Guard in consideration of his past experience in pulling people out of the water. (Unless he decides at the last minute not to go). He is advocating the elimination of the game "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard" . Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing! Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and Director of Emergency Procedures. Rev. Al Sharpton will provide inspirational services, and Ex-Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

"Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what?

Get over it, it's called "Freedom of Speech".