Fun Stuff

The Man "Rules"

2007-09-27T10:54:00.000-04:00

These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports--It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pretty Much Scott's Job....

2007-09-20T08:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Tide...

2007-09-19T16:29:00.001-04:00

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

This is SOOO cool!

2007-07-09T08:47:00.000-04:00

Java, Java, Java!!!!

2007-06-11T16:06:00.001-04:00

Barbie Dolls: New Michigan Collection

2007-04-25T15:18:00.000-04:00

East Grand Rapids Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only in the Gas Light District. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Rockford Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Flint Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Cascade/Ada Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Hastings Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Otsego Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Caledonia Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home and multiple non-running cars for the front yard.

Saugatuck Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Saugatuck Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Muskegon Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Talking Metronome

2007-04-25T14:57:00.001-04:00

Musical Time
Originally uploaded by abbylee123.

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers.

Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"

Politically Correct

2007-03-01T07:47:00.000-05:00

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$$" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Kids & Politics

2007-02-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

When one little boy puts up his hand, the Senator asks him what his name is and he says. "Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess and Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

Funny Quotes

2007-02-22T09:18:00.000-05:00

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Help Desk...

2007-02-21T14:22:00.000-05:00

Purina Diet

2007-01-31T15:48:00.000-05:00

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying into it I told her that it was an easy inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and if that was why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

My Memory Isn't What It Used To Be

2007-01-29T08:03:00.000-05:00

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Hamsters

2007-01-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

hamsters, originally uploaded by DiscoWeasel.

I'm fairly certain that this is a photoshopped picture, but it was so adorable I couldn't resist posting it anyway. I just love these furry little creatures!

8 Simple Rules for Dietingby W. Bruce Cameron

2007-01-03T14:01:00.000-05:00

With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple, clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our diets: "How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet still have the body of a fashion model?"

For men, of course, there is some flexibility--they don't necessarily want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body fat.

Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no desserts unless it is someone's birthday or something, and they will order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words "Chicken Caesar."

On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet, and (b) men don't care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don't need to bother with it.

To aid dieters of all known genders, I've researched the current data on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide.

Rule # 1: Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are in the presence of a cheese cake.

Rule # 2: There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful--so perhaps experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around hungry all the time, so you're in luck.

Rule # 3: Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs.

Rule # 4: Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then, feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans.
You'll lose weight!

Rule # 5: Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty logical to me.

Rule # 6: Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power. (Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?)

Rule # 7: My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too, though I don't want to be the first one on my block to try it.

Rule # 8: Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with enough food the first time around.

The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you don't have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet.

Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors.

www.wbrucecameron.com

The Lost Skeleton of Cavadra

2006-12-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

How To Be Happy

2006-12-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

This is really cute! (.pdf file, opens in new window)

Health Care

2006-12-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Holiday Greetings

2006-12-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

For My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to observe religious or secular traditions at all.I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures.

For My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and may God bless you and yours in 2007.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

2006-12-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic —Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and .

6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder– You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder — Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Bad Day????

2006-12-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

Christmas Funny

2006-12-11T13:50:00.000-05:00

Turkey Leftovers

2006-11-27T09:21:00.000-05:00

By W. Bruce Cameron

Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate.

Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.) But take Thanksgiving--my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours.

"Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering. I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under.

Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months. (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes."

I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true--at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development.

As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time. Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it."

Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey.

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2005. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

Jokes You Can Tell in Church

2006-11-06T09:21:00.000-05:00

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

________________

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! in. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

________________

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

________________

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

________________

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

________________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

THINGS I LEARNED FROM SCOOBY DOOBy Steve Higgs

2006-10-31T07:39:00.000-05:00

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

10. Avoid using words like doobie and munchies - it might give people the wrong idea.

Copyright 2001 Steve Higgs. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

Folding Like a Pro

2006-10-05T18:17:00.000-04:00

Chocolate Funny

2006-08-21T07:48:00.001-04:00

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

Wellness

2006-07-26T16:01:00.000-04:00

If Women Ruled the World...

2006-07-17T14:10:00.000-04:00

Friday vs. Monday

2006-04-11T08:21:00.000-04:00

Click for video (warning: has sound)

Marriage Funnies...

2006-04-10T11:14:00.000-04:00

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

Or get married and wish you were dead.

*************************************************
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

*************************************************
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted"

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

*************************************************
When a woman steals your husband,

There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

*************************************************
A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is really finished.

*************************************************
A little boy asked his father ,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

*************************************************
A young son asked,

"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa

A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

*************************************************
Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

And by then, it was too late."

*************************************************
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

*************************************************
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict

attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

*************************************************
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through

life thinking they had no faults at all.

*************************************************
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

*************************************************
A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man,

to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

Americans Should Never Travel

2006-03-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Double-check that Email Address!

2006-03-19T17:57:00.000-05:00

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Canadian couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Toronto and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

2006-02-15T22:27:00.000-05:00

Are You A Carrot, Egg, or Coffee Bean?

2006-02-13T11:03:00.000-05:00

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.

Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?

Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Driving Tips for our 2006 Superbowl Guests

2006-01-29T22:02:00.000-05:00

1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Di-troit, NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00am to 10:00am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before going. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.

6. Construction and renovation on I-94,I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375, The Lodge and The Southfield Freeways are a way of life. Just deal with it.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect or they are "out-of-towners."

8. All old men with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.

9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh, and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car.

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that reads "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit. I would suggest you duck.

13. I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

14. It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge".

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

16. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a map.

17. The left turn is simple If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make a right. NOW you have gone left.

ENJOY YOUR STAY, BUT AVOID EYE-CONTACT WITH THE LOCALS

Men Are Just Happier

2006-01-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Doggy Dictionary

2006-01-29T21:16:00.000-05:00

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bed- spread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you complete the exercise by prancing away.

DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, peeing on the rug, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house for your person to play with by putting back in the wastebasket when they come home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and fre- quently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" -- especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers

2006-01-25T16:45:00.000-05:00

10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."

3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

1. He can't stick his head out of Windows XP.

Thoughts on Exercise

2006-01-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

~ If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

~ The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

~ I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Hiccups Cure

2006-01-16T16:47:00.000-05:00

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Think about it...

2006-01-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made of?

Hillbillies...

2006-01-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Ah...Michigan...

2005-12-31T16:01:00.000-05:00

It's winter in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
And at 52 below !

Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose freezes shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Michigan
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

2005-12-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

The Hypnotist

2005-12-20T07:42:00.000-05:00

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist...

...It took three days to clean up the senior center.

2005-12-19T08:21:00.000-05:00

IT'S A WONDERFUL INTERNET.COM

BlondeStar (OnStar Parody video)

2005-12-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

Click to view

Alabama Bird Dogs

2005-12-11T16:16:00.000-05:00

Seasonal Cartoons

2005-12-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN HANGING THE LIGHTS (even though it may be too late)

2005-12-06T09:25:00.000-05:00

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

As a service to our dear readers, we rush to print with an emergency list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

~ "You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

~ "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

~ "What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

~ "Give me that."

~ "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

~ "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

~ "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a perfect spiral this year?"

~ "Have you been drinking?"

~ "Where's the cat?"

~ "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

Gotta' love Ebay!

2005-11-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

How Much is Your Blog Worth?

2005-11-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

My blog is worth $3,951.78.
How much is your blog worth?

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

2005-11-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

ALL ARE WELCOME--OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASH?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Happy Birthday Internet!

2005-10-28T17:07:00.000-04:00

How cute is this???

2005-10-16T22:05:00.000-04:00

Scott & Kim's Tiny Browser

Open "Scott & Kim's Tiny Browser" in a new window

About Bitty Browser

About Turnstyle

The Perfect Dress

2005-09-29T08:11:00.000-04:00

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

You Know You're Addicted to Ebay When...

2005-09-10T19:42:00.000-04:00

Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you.

To cut costs, FedEx and UPS are considering relocating their operations centers to your house.

Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they'll sell better individually or as a matched set.

Your spouse is loving and caring but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space.

You're the reason they adopted the "No selling your children's vital organs" policy.

You find yourself searching eBay auctions for milk, eggs and bread.

When your wife agrees to have sex with you, you become suspicious and ask how many other bidders there were.

Just ask your kids, eRay and eFaye.

After a particularly passionate night, you lean over and whisper in your spouse’s ear, "Excellent service, great communication! Would recommend again! AAAA++++"

You set your alarm clock for 3 am so you can log on to protect your bid.

You've called someone a naughty name for outbidding you at the last second.

You've questioned your sanity because of the price you've bid... more than once.

You've changed all your clocks to "eBay official time (PDT)."

You've bid on something even though the picture doesn't show up correctly.

You've purposely run up the bid on something similar for which you paid more.

You've rolled your eyes at the word "antique" or "vintage" used on something made in the past decade.

You've gritted your teeth each time you've clicked on a description that uses the word "L@@K."

You've turned up the volume on your email alert so you'll never miss an Outbid Notice.

You've made "My eBay" your default home page.

You've emailed a seller to correct their description with accurate dates or details.

You've come to rely on "convenience cash" from PayPal and wish you could pay all your bills like that.

You've earned a "Shooting Star" Feedback Profile for more than 10,000 purchases!

You won't go to estate auctions because they don't take PayPal.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Ebay.

Fun Stuff in Your Email!

2005-09-07T10:28:00.000-04:00

Now you can subscribe below and get an email whenever there is something new on this page!

Need a new mouse?

2005-08-30T07:21:00.000-04:00

Great instructional video on how to replace your mouse. Too funny!

More Senior Funnies...

2005-08-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

-----------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

-----------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Suave Senior

2005-08-16T11:53:00.000-04:00

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-nineties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?"

Office Culture

2005-08-16T11:44:00.000-04:00

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

Visiting Grandma

2005-07-27T12:06:00.000-04:00

Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed ... ?"

God is Good!!!

2005-07-26T15:35:00.000-04:00

I altered my drive this morning to avoid passing my favorite bakery, Krispy Kreme (what else). I accidentally drove by the bakery any way and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: "Lord , it's up to you....if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." and sure enough, He answered my prayer: on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is Good!!!

And You Thought You Had Computer Problems!

2005-07-26T14:34:00.000-04:00

Google Moon - Lunar Landing Sites

2005-07-25T08:59:00.000-04:00

Google Moon - Lunar Landing Sites

Be sure to zoom all the way in! LOL!

Blingo!

2005-07-20T16:41:00.000-04:00

Blingo is a really cool new search engine that I found from Busy Mom's blog. She actually won $25 because someone on her friends list searched at the right time! They're giving away some really good prizes...like an iPod mini, a PSP, and a year's worth of Blockbuster rentals. So, head on over and sign up as one of my friends...maybe we'll both win something!

Brain Dead

2005-07-15T16:23:00.000-04:00

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating. Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock...We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

2005-07-12T10:48:00.000-04:00

MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY

2005-07-11T15:57:00.000-04:00

January-June 2005

~ 4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.
~ A flashlight is a cylindrical device for storing dead batteries.
~ A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
~ A hearse is poor transportation for your first church visit.
~ A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
~ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
~ Born free. Taxed to death.
~ Cleanliness is next to impossible.
~ Conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
~ Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.
~ Dear Dorothy: Hate Oz; Took the shoes; Find your own way home. Toto ~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
~ Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"?
~ Do NOT argue with a spouse who's packing your parachute.
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
~ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
~ Do you want to be right or in a relationship?
~ Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
~ Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will be out until further notice.
~ Entropy isn't what it used to be.
~ Even if you're on the right track, you'll eventually get run over if you just sit there.
~ Ever wonder why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
~ Ever wonder why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
~ Ever wonder why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
~ Ever wonder why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
~ Ever wonder why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
~ Ever wonder why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
~ Every time I say that dirty word..."EXERCISE"...I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~ Father: "My teenaged sons have learned at least one Bible memory verse. That would be Luke 24:41, where Jesus asks His disciples, 'Do you have anything here to eat?'"
~ God loves us not according to how we do but according to who He is.
~ God will never make you more holy than you want to be.
~ Guess which one of the seven dwarfs I think you are...
~ He who laughs, lasts.
~ Hey, did the wizard ever get back to you about that brain?
~ How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
~ How do we know that Adam could run fast? He was first in the human race.
~ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
~ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
~ I can fix anything! Where's the duct tape?!
~ "I don't question YOUR existence." - God ~ I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~ I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister!
~ I need not suffer in silence while I can still whimper, moan, and complain.
~ I plan my impulsive moments.
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I stayed up all night so that I could watch the sun rise, and it finally dawned on me!
~ I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
~ I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
~ I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
~ I WANT to have lots of patience; I just don't want to NEED it!
~ I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
~ I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
~ I wonder if Dracula ever had ticks.
~ I worry that if I lose my mind nobody will notice.
~ If a church wants a better pastor, it can start by praying for the one it has.
~ If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
~ If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
~ If only the elderly had strength and youngsters had wisdom.
~ If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
~ If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
~ If you need me, I'll be on my pedestal.
~ If you send someone Styrofoam, how do you pack it?
~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
~ If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
~ If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.
~ I'll start working when the caffeine does...
~ I'm confused...no wait...maybe I'm not.
~ I'm Mom's favorite!
~ I'm not 50. I'm 49.95!
~ I'm NOT avoiding you...I'm ignoring you.
~ I'm still a princess right down to my glass sneakers and enchanted sweat pants!
~ Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
~ I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
~ Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
~ Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.
~ Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
~ Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
~ Old friends are the best - they know everything about you but can't remember any of it!
~ On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.
~ One hydrogen atom to the other: "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
~ Remember, our seasoned citizens are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
~ "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem." - President Ronald Reagan (1985) ~ Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
~ The best thing to spend on your children is time.
~ The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.
~ The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is ten years.
~ The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
~ The most impressive Christians are the ones who don't try to impress.
~ The other night my wife asked me to take her out someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station.
~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
~ There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.
~ There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
~ There is more to life than increasing its speed.
~ There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
~ This is the part where I smile and nod and act like I'm listening.
~ To err is human...to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
~ Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
~ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
~ We must all believe in something. I believe I'll have another piece of chocolate.
~ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
~ Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
~ Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
~ Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? Because the poor had no money.
~ Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there isn't enough?
~ Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
~ Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra cent going to?
~ Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
~ Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
~ Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
~ Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
~ Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
~ Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
~ With a body like this, who needs hair?
~ You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
~ You're a Star Wars junkie if when trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked, "The Force is strong with this one."

THE MAYONNAISE JAR...AND COFFEE

2005-07-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

By Laura Bankston

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

2005-07-05T07:38:00.000-04:00

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Airline Funny

2005-06-27T16:25:00.000-04:00

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die!

2005-06-27T15:44:00.000-04:00

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

The Rules Of Chocolate

2005-06-22T13:45:00.000-04:00

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

AFI's 100 YEARS...100 MOVIE QUOTES

2005-06-22T13:38:00.000-04:00

Read them all here!

Amazingly Simple Home Remedy #1

2005-06-20T15:02:00.000-04:00

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor do I play one on TV...this is a JOKE...don't really do it!

Fans Outraged at New Character in The Return of the King

2005-06-20T14:09:00.000-04:00

This is hysterical...read the whole story here!

Silly Geeky Quizzes

2005-06-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

Which OS are You?

Which File Extension are You?

Spell with flickr

2005-06-20T12:04:00.000-04:00

This is fun! Check it out! Spell with flickr

Dog Exercises

2005-06-15T16:58:00.000-04:00

You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now. The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.

CPR Class

2005-06-15T16:44:00.000-04:00

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course.

The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

Frozen Dinners...

2005-06-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."

If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

Ahhh...Tis' the Season!

2005-06-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

Punctuation is Everything!

2005-05-31T11:04:00.000-04:00

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

Thought for the Day...

2005-05-31T11:03:00.000-04:00

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Need a raise?

2005-05-31T11:01:00.000-04:00

For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

I think I've talked to this person!

2005-05-31T10:53:00.000-04:00

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

Virtual Bubblewrap

2005-05-18T12:24:00.000-04:00

Virtual Bubblewrap -- best one I've seen yet! Have fun!!!

Grocery Store Wars | Join the Organic Rebellion

2005-05-17T07:59:00.000-04:00

This is GREAT, but be warned, it takes a while to download...and be sure to turn up the sound!

Real teachers...

2005-05-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's Club.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to
eighth graders.

Stuff You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

2005-05-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

I can soooo relate!

2005-05-16T14:13:00.000-04:00

New Gas Gauge for 2005

2005-05-09T07:50:00.000-04:00

Hmmm....

2005-05-03T08:01:00.000-04:00

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...

Good Philosophy

2005-04-27T09:33:00.000-04:00

Always try to help a friend in need.

Believe in yourself.

BE BRAVE!....

but remember... it's OK to be afraid sometimes.

Give lots of kisses.

Don't be overly concerned with your weight, it's just a number!

Meet new people, even if they look different to you.

Remain Calm...

even if it seems rather hopeless!

Take a nap if you need one..

Have a good sense of humor and laugh often!

Love your friends, no matter who they are.

Don't waste food.

Take an occasional risk.

RELAX... EVEN, ON THOSE STRESSFUL DAYS!!

Try to have a little fun each day...

AND...it's important, no matter what...

to work together as a team,

share a joke with your friends and neighbors,

and fall in love with someone special...

Say "I love you" often.

Express yourself creatively.

Always be up for surprises.

Share with a friend.

Remember the saying, Good things happen to good people!

There is always someone who loves you more than you know.

Exercise a little each day!

Live up to your name.

Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between!

Raising Boys-- >

2005-04-20T16:58:00.000-04:00

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way

6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12) Super glue is forever.

13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Quotes

2005-04-18T10:47:00.001-04:00

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
~ Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
~ Dave Barry

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
~ A. Whitney Brown

"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?"
~ Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." ~ Dave Barry

"No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less." ~ Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." ~ Emo Phillips

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." ~ A Bit of Fry and Laurie

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger." ~ Mark Twain

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" ~ Charlie Brown

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ~ David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

Quotes

2005-04-18T10:47:00.000-04:00